HRO - Sexual Harassment: Relationships

Human Rights Office: Sexual Harassment: Relationships

Are you in a healthy relationship?
What signs would tell you otherwise?
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional Abuse
Violence Against Women:
Warning Signs
What You Can Do
Where can I get help and support?

"He only gets mad when I provoke him"

"When he's nice, he is the most wonderful person in the world."

"It's not like that for me, nobody else can understand"

"Maybe things will get better if I try harder..."

I can't give him up..."

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What is Emotional Abuse?

Any behaviour by your partner that leaves you feeling out of control and diminished, never knowing where you stand and walking on egg shells.

Emotional abuse can be very harmful to a woman's self-esteem and ability to leave an unhealthy relationship.

The longer a person stays in an unhealthy relationship, the harder it is to leave.

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Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse does not necessarily happen on your first date, but gradually creeps into the relationship. You may only notice some of the features mentioned here.

Emotionally abusive relationships usually follow a roller-coaster ride of good and bad times which may have a number of patterns:

The outburst followed by the "honeymoon period" where your partner is apologetic and tries to make up for the outburst.

The more subtle form of emotional abuse, where you never know where you stand in the relationship and feel that you have to anticipate his moods and feelings in order to keep the relationship alive.

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Violence Against Women:
The Facts

Dating violence affects women from all races and social classes equally

16% of women have experienced violence from a male partner

35% of women have experienced emotional abuse in a relationship

Relationship violence also occurs in gay/lesbian relationships

21% of university women surveyed reported at least one violent incident with a dating partner.

This means that among 5 of your female friends at university, 1 or more has been exposed to relationship violence of some degree.

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Warning Signs
Does your partner do any of the following?

Psychological Abuse

Play mind games

Make you feel guilty

Blame you for his anger

Have extreme mood swings

Humiliation/Lack of Respect

Insult you, criticize you, call you names

Belittle what you say

Put you down in public

Ignore you

Is unavailable when you want to do something special

Controlling Behaviour

Isolate you from friends and family
Act very possessively, get jealous if you talk to other men or go out with friends without him
Tell you what to wear, how to act in public

Threats/Intimidation

Threaten you (to hurt you, to leave you or to harm himself if you leave him)
Scare you "for a laugh" e.g.: drives recklessly
Frighten you with intimidating looks or gestures
Is very demanding of your time even when you are busy
Use violence when angry, either towards you or objects near you

Violate your boundaries

Read your diary, e-mail or letters to others, without your permission
Pressure you for sex when you are unwilling
Won't stop "teasing" you when you ask him to

Other Signs of Lack of Respect

Abuses alcohol or drugs and uses it as an excuse for his behaviour
Shows little respect for women in general (e.g. tells jokes, stories that are offensive to women)
Has a history of troubled relationships
Is violent towards others, gets into fights
Cheats on you, breaks your trust

Questions you may want to ask yourself:

Do you notice that you have made sacrifices to be in this relationship? Such as: given up friends, activities, interests, ambitions you once had?
Do you find yourself feeling more insecure than you used to?
Do you find yourself thinking: "I'm so lucky to have him, I can't imagine what I would do without him" or "He's going through a rough patch. He's only like this when he drinks, (or when he is under stress)".
Do you find people around you expressing concern about your relationship?

Do you find yourself...

Apologising a lot for your/his behaviour?
Walking on eggshells around him
Rehearsing what you will say to him
Giving up activities and friendships that used to matter
Trying to predict his mood and how you can make things better
Always making excuses for his behaviour
Feeling that your self-confidence has dropped
Blaming yourself: "if only I hadn't bugged him, he wouldn't have gotten mad etc."

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What You Can Do

Get some support

Tell someone you trust

Remember that you are not alone

Don't ignore it, it won't go away

If you are unsure whether or not you are in an unhealthy relationship, talk to somebody who can give you honest feedback (such as a counsellor, or a good friend). Chances are, if you have checked any of the items above, there may be a problem in your relationship that needs to be addressed.

Try to keep a strong support network.
Talk to somebody you trust, and go to a second person if the first one is not helpful.
Recognise that you are not responsible for your partner's behaviour. He needs to get help and has to take responsibility for his actions.
Consider your options: should you stay or leave? Remember that the abusive behaviour rarely changes by itself.

If you decide to leave:

Evaluate your safety - will your partner be angry and perhaps violent when you decide to leave? If you fear for your safety, talk to a professional right away. Talk to a counsellor, the Human Rights Office, Campus Security, or the police for advice on staying safe. You can also call the numbers included in this pamphlet.

If you decide to stay:

get some help for yourself - don't stay silent
make sure you are safe
start re-evaluating your reasons for staying

I think that my friend is in an unhealthy relationship - how can I help her?

Listen to her
Believe what she tells you
Be realistic about what you can do
Be supportive, don't blame her if she chooses to stay
Recognize that she did not provoke it.
Don't be surprised if she turns down your offer of help - leaving an unhealthy relationship can take a long time. She may need your ongoing support.

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Where can I get help and support?

Student Counselling Service - 533-2893 - Free and confidential support

Human Rights Office - 533-6886 - Confidential advice and assistance

Campus Security - 533-6111

Sexual Assault Crisis Centre - 544-6424 - 24 hour crisis line

Queen's Women's Centre - 533-2963

Kingston Community Counselling Centre Women's program - 549-7850

Telephone Aid Line Kingston - 544-1771 - (TALK)

Sources

Horley, Sandra. (1991) "The Charm Syndrome: why charming men can make dangerous lovers". (Available at Stauffer Library)

Jones, Ann and Susan Schechter (1993) "When Love Goes Wrong" HarperPerrenial.

Fact Sheets on relationship violence and emotional abuse. Produced by National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, Health Canada. To order, call toll free: 1-800-267-1291.

Vis-a-Vis a national newsletter on family violence. winter 1992, vol 9 no 4. Dating violence: not an isolated phenomenon.

Produced by the Student Counselling Service 1997
Project funded by the Ministry of Education and Training. Initiative on the Prevention of Violence Against Women. Second printing funded by Queen's Human Rights Office 1999

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