I
It’s scary, to face what hurts you the most
and all your life long you tried to avoid doing that
by giving the impression you had no heart to break.
If you hurt them before they hurt you
then you’ll come out the winner every time
and you are sure that being loud and angry and cruel
is what makes you a man.
But one day you start thinking about him
the man who instead of raising you
damaged you in ways you didn’t deserve.
And about him, the boy who did not ask to be born your son.
And you think, maybe he does not have to be marked for life
by a crime he did not commit as I was.
Maybe he does not have to be ashamed and afraid of his father as I was.
And then it hits you: you are the only one who can set him free.
And before you know it, you’ve broken the curse with a hug.

II
It’s lonely, being the black sheep of the gang
always the biggest loser
always the one who loves everybody else a little more than they love him.
And love is not exactly in high demand around here.
There are many other things people need you to be and do
but you messed everything up again
and now all you have left are your memories.
And memories are not in high demand around here either.
You’ll be doing everyone else a favour
you are sure of it
if you just end it all.
But suddenly the sun comes out for you in the shape of a stranger
who listens the way only strangers can
and she tells you that your memories are worth something after all
it’s just a matter of marketing.
So you take the memories
wrap them up in love and attach stories to them for wings
and then you watch them fly away into the world.
And before you know it, you finally have something to give
that somebody wants.

III
It’s humiliating, when your looks and your youth
are the only things that anyone will pay you for
and they don’t even pay that much and the work is hard.
But they don’t yet know that besides pretty, you are patient and smart
a Bulgarian Jackie Brown
and you wait and watch and listen
just like Jackie
and when the time comes
when the cards are finally stacked in your favour
you take your chance and you pounce,
just like Jackie.
And in between the different stages
of calculating and planning and executing your big break
you found the time to make some friends who won’t soon forget you
giving the gift of joy to one, and the gift of hope to the other
just because you can.
And before you know it, you get to go back home a winner.

IV
It hurts, finding out at 46
that you’re not the main character of your movie.
At some point the plot took a turn
and now some of the supporting actors are doing better than you
and you don’t know what to do or where to go
because you never saw yourself being cast as anything other than the star.
But this time, instead of once again trying
to scheme the world into giving you what you want
you take a closer look around.
And you see that everyone is busy with their own movie
everyone is trying to get the most lines
the best light
have all their dreams come true.
And with nothing left to lose, and nothing left to win
you do what is nothing short of miraculous.
Instead of chasing your own happy ending,
you help someone else get a little closer to theirs
and before you know it, you have chosen life.

Bio:

TANYA TOMASCH is a Czech Canadian writer, musician, and translator who grew up in Austria and now lives in Vancouver (Instagram: margarita. and.the.masters).