(Content Warning: Stalking)
Navigating dating and romantic relationships was challenging for me growing up. Throughout middle school and high school, I didn’t have many boyfriends or experienced the talking stage a lot. I often thought boys in my grade never liked me because I was mixed, and I felt like I was different than the white girls in my class, which influenced my sense of self growing up. It was not the easiest thing for 14-year-old Dalyah to handle—watching everyone else have crushes and boyfriends wasn’t always fun to see. It took much reconciling with my younger self to realize that being with someone who embraces you is the bare minimum… the absolute bare minimum. Near the end of n high school, I did find myself in my first relationship. However, it was very toxic, and I accepted many things I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know that love was not supposed to be that difficult, I barely knew what love was supposed to look like.
There was no specific moment that made me realize that I needed help or that I needed out. He cheated on me, and we broke up because of it. Looking back on it, it gave me an out, an easy way to leave without being talked back into some illusion of a better tomorrow. If I could give my younger self some advice, I would tell her to trust her intuition. If I had sat down, closed my eyes, and just thought for a while, I would have realized how bad this situation was. I would have realized that relationship was a tiny part of who I am and what I would become and that it ultimately wasn’t worth staying around for. I would also tell her how vast and beautiful the world and our future are, so none of these small places and moments will ever hold ground against everything we’ll see, be, and create.
Many toxic relationships are like bad habits and addictions that require a cycle to be broken. I knew I could never go back, and I wanted to create circumstances for that to be entirely impossible. The main thing I did was use my pride against me. When I confided in others, such as my mom or my close friends, they could also see the flaws in the situation and would help hold me accountable. I didn’t want to look stupid by returning to a situation that had absolutely humiliated me, so I told those around me everything, so I would never return to that relationship.
However, the worst setback of this part of my life was the harassment that occurred not very long after the breakup. Once we broke up, I just wanted to focus on anything and everything else in my life. Yet the healing process was hard to go through when my ex-boyfriend would call and text me constantly throughout the day. I would sometimes have between fifty to one hundred missed calls nearly every day after school just from him. The texts would be even worse, hundreds of texts and threats trying to get my attention. Despite blocking him, he was able to make multiple new phone numbers to text me, which made initially blocking him virtually useless. Then he would make many different Instagram and Snapchat accounts to try and contact me. This really impacted my mental health because I had no control in this situation. I was being harassed, and despite speaking to my principal, it never went anywhere. I was facing this difficult experience on my own as a sixteen-year-old girl.
When it came to resolving this situation and getting help, it was much harder for me to do than not continuing that relationship after we had broken up. Since this situation was already emotionally taxing and I was so vulnerable with those around me after the relationship ended, it was hard to tell others that this harassment was going on. I always saw myself as a strong person, but this situation made me feel entirely powerless. In my mind, it felt embarrassing that I couldn’t control and stop this situation altogether alone. It was hard on me and my pride that I needed even more help. I can’t remember the exact circumstances, but I was so unhappy that I finally went to my mom and told her about the excessive calls and texts. We changed my phone number that night, and I felt such a sense of partial relief that I hadn’t felt in weeks. From there, I practiced setting boundaries with whom I gave my phone number to and that they could not give it to anyone. When it came to the Instagram and Snapchat accounts, those dwindled over time. Once he couldn’t call and text me, I became less concerned with the other social media messages since these apps have features that filter messages. I could ignore these messages better, which led to my mental health improving slightly, but it did not fix the impact it has permanently had on me.
The overall experience of being harassed and unable to stop it for so long hurt my self-confidence and produced much more intense anxiety than I’ve ever experienced before. Any time an unknown number would call me, I would become so stressed and refuse to pick it up and instead wait for a message to be left. This was hard for me for many months, but with time I could reason with myself that it wasn’t him. Nearly two years after that relationship ended, and I still have some hesitancy when answering phone calls to this day.
The ending of this relationship and the following hardships impacted who I am as a person and influenced how I navigate relationships and the world. I know now that I don’t have to endure hardships in other relationships alone; I have friends and family to rely on. Now that I am older, I have a stronger sense of judgement and intuition that helps me know what to put up with and when to leave. With these experiences and memories, I want to make it abundantly clear that the end goal of being calm and happy again is so much nearer when there is a support system, whether it be family, friends, or virtual resources. We all deserve to be loved and happy, but sometimes there are barriers in the way and sometimes we need someone or something to hold our hand as we jump over them or pick us up when we fall. These experiences, although unpleasant, will make you stronger; they show you what you want and don’t want, which can help you avoid these hardships in the future.
~ Dalyah, current student